The Pennsylvania Progressive

Why Hillary for President?

I have to wonder why HILLARY Clinton wants to be President after she was first-hand witness to the absolute hell the GOP put her husband trhough for 8 years. To me, it made little sense. Then it occured to me....one word....revenge.

First, against her own husband. I'll bet Hillary plans to wrap her legs around every hot young intern she can find. And she doesn't have to worry about some psycho saving a dress with Presidental "memories". (No it wasn't a plant...yeah...right.)

Second, against every Republican politico who every bad mouthed her...demise of the line-item veto not withstanding. I suspect we'll see photos of Larry Craig dressed up like Madonna shortly after her inauguration if she wins.

Third, against the American people (especially those Obama supporters) as she starts to ignore nearly every promise made during the campaign, just like Bill did (Thanks for that whole DOMA thing Bill).

Now if we agree with George Carlin that international politics is really all about 'who has the bigger dick' than clearly we are at a disadvantage with Hillary. Now Obama, on the otherhand...I hate to be steriotypical but from my experience some steriotypes are based in fact.

Don't get me wrong, I think she's better than John McCain who spoke of Lincoln the other day by telling a group of seniors that he knew Abe well. He's certainly old enough for that to be believable. I heard he might have to have facial surgery again...they want to try to make him look younger...like about 100. I finally figured out why McCain is having photo op after photo op with seniors and WWII military vets...the only way they can make him look young is to picture him with people older than him. Unfortunately we are losing WWII vets rapidly so McCain has to take every opportunity to get those pictures quickly.

I saw a picture of him at a natural history museum and I wasn't sure which object in the picture was McCain and which was the dinosaur (which never existed because they're not in the Bible right?).

And for those you you about to jump on my case, I invite you to check out the category this article is published under. It's SATIRE. Ahhh politics...

Random Thoughts

Now that the writers strike is over television can stop airing all these terrible reality shows polluting the airwaves.  I heard one network got so desperate they were about to relaunch "Queen For A Day."  It featured Larry Craig hustling through mens rooms.  The kept running into the same problem however:  the other men kept being Republican lawmakers.

Why is it Americans don't send phony scam emails to people in Africa? 

Who is this Amanda who keeps emailing me to watch her webcam?  Why is her father asking me to watch?  How creepy can the internet get?

I also get unsolicited emails encouraging me to get breast enhancement.  Dear they need to get smaller, not larger!

I watched a movie this afternoon called "Farce of the Penguins."  Hilarious.

Lady Liberty Sues Democrats

Lady Liberty has sued Pennsylvania Democrats for violating the ideals they pretend for which to stand.   The action, brought to the International Court for Human Dignity, alleges that Democrats, using a name which, when spelled in lower case, connotes freedom, liberty, and rights for all, and is being corrupted now to stifle free speech.

"I've been standing in this harbor for 121 years, a gift from France to be a beacon for freedom loving people the world over and now, behind my back, some Democrats are undermining my entire mission.   I am also about to launch an action also against Republicans for constantly bashing those people coming to this country seeking such freedoms."

"Witnessing actions against one of their own for the free expression of support for a particular candidate of their own Party and the abuse and harm done in the process is something which outrages me enough that I have taken this unprecedented action to preserve liberty in Pennsylvania.  I am especially ashamed that these people are using the word 'Democrat' to identify themselves after such egregious conduct.  I feel as if they are undermining everything I have stood for lo these many years."

The iconic statue, located in New York harbor, also has this inscribed within her being:

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Deer Season

Today is a state holiday as deer season begins.  This year the rules have changed and the roles reversed.  Deer have a two week opportunity to bag their limit of humans.  Each deer is allowed five people with children counting as half.  Unfortunately it's tough to determine which cars have only adults.  The rules involve deer jumping out towards traffic and causing accidents.  A direct hit is when a car goes head on into a tree. 

Please remember to gut and clean your prey before enjoying your meals does, fawns and stags!  As far as points go people in SUV's are double points.   Young people driving sports cars only count as half because they're easy pickings.  Good luck and good hunting.  Today should be a good opening day since it's raining with leaves on the ground and slippery conditions are optimal.

Happy Traveling

For all of you preparing to travel for Thanksgiving, good news just came out about the safety of air travel.  Not only is TSA being tipped off to security tests their efforts are so successful that people have been more than able to smuggle bomb parts (in tests) through security.  I understand this may cause some concern for those of you who will be flying.  Rest assured that you will be fine.  Go rent a copy of the dvd "United 93" and learn how to take over a hijacked airliner.  That should educate you on how to disable your terrorist plane mates.

By the way, you might also want to do some preparation before your flight.  You know, things like new wills (please just leave everything to me), leaving passwords to your computer for the survivors to find, important documents to your lawyer's office so they'll be easy to file for your estate, and, of course, don't fail to put all your liquids in quart size baggies only.  Security is paramount after all.

Want Ads: Seeking New Lawyer

Lawyer needed as soon as possible for indicted State Senator.

Due to circumstances beyond our control (the creep insists on also representing the other defendants), we are seeking a new lawyer to represent our defendant, State Senator Vince Fumo.  Applicants must be able to start immediately and get up to speed incredibly fast on a 139 count charge of corruption.  If you can bring a team with you, all the better.  You must be willing to accept payment in Oreck vacuum cleaners and checks from the Philadelphia Seaport Museum accounts.

Please send your resume to my private investigator in care of the Democratic State Senate office.  Time is of the essence because my arse could wind up in jail if you don't.

ACTION ALERT...FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

From: The National Gay and Lesbian Recruitment Center, Closet Gay Division

Former Senator Larry Craig has revealed the secret bathroom code of tapping one's feet to quitely attract fellow closetted gay men for sleazy, quick and anonymous bathroom sex. His lack of forethought that a Christian bigot police officer might be trying to trap closetted gay Republican Senators was in direct violation of the closetted gay men rules.

Therefore the CGD has decided to immediately change the secret code. Therefore, effective immediately instead tapping one's feet to attract other men, a seeker should now scratch their ankle while clearing their throat. The use of the pink $20 bill has been dismissed as a possible solution since we fear they may find their way into general circulation and confuse the straight people.

Openly gay individuals should continue to use traditional "hey, you want a blow job?" approach. Remember we continue to believe that openly suggesting sex is NOT illegal between consenting adults so long as no offer to exchange sex for money is involved.

No change in the secret code for lesbians is required at this time. Thankfully lesbians don't have a dick to be ruled by (strap-ons don't count). Of course, since there are no closetted Republican lesbians anyway, there's really not much to worry about.

Also, the board has decided that 3 new adults over the age of 17 (instead of 2) will need to be recruitted in 2008 for a member to qualify for the microwave.  All other award levels remain unchanged.

For questions or further information please contact the Closetted Gay Division of the National Gay and Lesbian Recruitment Center.

Barney Announces His Resignation from White House

Shocked at the mass exodus of presidential aides from his Administration George W. Bush was amazed today to learn his dog Barney is also leaving.  Still upset from being dropped by the President in front of reporters the canine has had enough.   He has also barked that he fears the chaos a White House wedding might cause to his precious toilets shrubbery. 

Barney has been the most loyal companion a President who values loyalty above all else could have, until now.  There is no truth, I repeat, no truth, to the rumor that George, in his raging fury over Barney's disloyalty, had the terrier groomed.  More details as they become public...

August Doldrums

As a blogger I somewhat dread August because of the dearth of material.  Both Harrisburg and Washington recess for the summer month and everyone escapes to the mountains, beaches, or the latest Congressional pages they've been able to seduce.  President Bush goes to his "ranch" where he can continue ignoring warnings about dire threats to the country, impending hurricanes, and distraught mothers.

In Pennsylvania August will be spent agonizing over all the roads and bridges we've been neglecting.  Congressmen John Peterson and Phil English are very eager to disappear somewhere and hide after their extremely ill timed attack on the Governor's plan to fund infrastructure improvements and repairs.  How bad does your luck get than these two obstructionists?  They introduced legislation blocking tolls on I-80, tolls which would fund major road and bridge improvements then the bridge in Minneapolis collapses.  I think Phil English's re-election prospects collapsed with that bridge.  Oops.  Has he fled the country yet?

Meanwhile the crew here will do our best to keep you entertained with the latest commentary on antics and activities of the rich and famous.  We'll turn on a dime, chase our assistants down freeways then write it off as being someone else's cocaine.  We are planning to expand the blog exponentially by making it easier for poorer readers to come here.  No money down, no ads, no restrictive paperwork in order to qualify.  We call it our "sub prime readership plan" and virtually everyone qualifies regardless of your situation.

We'll follow that with a major stock issue, package bundles of readers together in marketable securities then declare bankruptcy and flee to Bermuda when it all collapses.  Tort reform laws will protect us from all your lawsuits and the beach front mansions and security will protect us from the lone wolves who dare track us down.  If that doesn't work we'll blackmail a few Senators who made use of our DC escort service and new laws will spring forth preventing you even from filing from bankruptcy.

As you can see I have August all planned out and when cold weather arrives I'll be ready and primed to flee from the law escape to the nicest beach in Costa Rica (no extradition treaty).  Party on!

Thief Takes Cowardly Lion's Head

Someone stole the head of the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz in McDonald, Pa.  The costume was displayed along with the Scarecrow, Tin Man, Dorothy and Wicked Witch of the West in the town near Pittsburgh.  Now someone has stolen the Lion's head. 

This is a serious turn of events because it means George W. Bush is now truly out of his mind.  When police recover the Cowardly Lion's head please return it to where it really belongs:  the Oval Office.