The Pennsylvania Progressive

Keystone Kops At It Again

I received this email last evening from a man in Towanda.  It seems a State Trooper gave him a $100 ticket because he had something hanging from his rear view mirror.  I have to agree is this really what we're paying the Keystone Kops to do?  Don't they more important work than ticketing everyone with something obstructing a window or any other part of the driver's view?  His satirical approach is entertaining and serves to make his point.  I'm publishing it here as a guest column.

John

EDITOR: After getting nailed with a 100-plus dollar ticket for having my late father’s string ties hanging from my mirror by Trooper Warnick, I decided that Trooper Warnick actually did me and some of you a favor. God works in many mysterious ways, and thanks to Trooper Warnick I now realize how dangerous anything is on one’s dash board or on rear view mirrors. Further, thanks to Trooper Warnick’s intervention, I have now become the Johnny Apple Seed of mirror education and have already given out around 300 warning notices to those in violation so as to allow them to change their ways.

I have also sent e-mails and/or faxes to all of our banks, and drive up fast food places to ask them to educate their customers. I have done the same to OSRAM and DuPont in the hope that they care enough about their employers to educate them. I have also contacted the Bradford County Chamber of Commerce.

Hopefully this paper will run an article on the dangers of having things obscuring the drivers view. I know that the VFW and American Legion should warn those who donate not to put those poppies on the mirrors. I look forward to the day when there is not one item obscuring visibility in our car’s windows. No doubt thousands and thousands of lives will be saved. If everyone who reads this e-mails others, then the state troopers can concentrate on other more pressing issues. Maybe our schools will ask kids to check their parents cars and make them legal.

But at this point about 20 to 30 percent of the cars driving through Towanda are driving in a very precarious condition and risk expensive tickets and injury or death by having crosses, handicapped parking permits and air fresheners hanging from their mirrors. Hopefully society will see that I am trying to atone for my sins.

Joseph R. Dupont

TOWANDA

Redneck Hell

I was conversing with a friend and fellow politico last Thursday about the presidential race and he posed an interesting scenario:  what if the three choices for president are Barack Obama, Mitt Romney and Michael Bloomberg?  A Black, a Mormon and a Jew.  The rednecks, bigots, and Klansmen would go crazy!  This would be the equivalent of redneck hell wouldn't it?  We surmised that they'd be jumping off bridges due to their despair.

Therefore the thought occurred to me we could take advantage of such an opportunity and make money for our cause at the same time.  If there's to be mass redneck suicide why not use that new bridge a Native American tribe just built at the Grand Canyon?  We could run bus tours for the rednecks (call it the 'Jonestown Express') and serve each one a glass of Kool Aid before they jump.  The tribe collects a fee from each bigot to use their walkway and we all fund our progressive programs.  We also get rid of a sizable number of rednecks.

Career Opportunities

People think bloggers have it made.  We sit at home and type on our computers all day and are nothing more than pajamas media.  Little do they understand the grueling routine of checking the news, reading other blogs, attending meetings and, now and then, days like yesterday when I left at 9:30 am to go to Philadelphia and finally finished up here at...let me check the time posting on that final article last night...9:32 pm. 

This has gotten me thinking about various career opportunities available.  Sam Bennett, Democratic candidate over in the 15th CD (Charlie Dent's seat) has provided the perfect inspiration.  All I need to do, according to this Morning Call outline, is follow the Bennett Formula.  Allow me to explain how this works.

Instead of slaving over my keyboard all day hoping someone clicks on the donation button conveniently located at the top of the blog (which no one ever seems to find) what I should do is form a non profit "charitable" organization.  Let's think of a name for this group...Properties of Merit?   No, that's the one Sam Bennett is using as her personal gravy train.  How about Blogs of Merit?  Sounds catchy doesn't it?  Now I need to form a Board and draft some by laws.  How many of my friends can I con into sitting on the Board and then allowing me to sit on the Compensation Committee so I can set my own salary?

Hmmm, I can't think of enough dishonest friends who'd do that so I'll just call Sam Bennett's friends and get them.  People like Jim Molchany, Pat Solt, David Evans, Ralph Graber, and Bobbie Rudolph.  These people have no regard for IRS rules governing these unethical conflicts of interest so they'll do just fine.

Next up is getting myself a nice big salary to manage my "charity."  This, of course, is after we convince people give $3-400,000 to help honor bloggers.  A nice third of that sounds like a fair amount for me, don't you think?  Don't all charities pay their CEO's 1/3 of their funds?  After all, if it's good enough for a Congressional candidate it should be good enough for me, too.    We'll try and con the public, the IRS and everyone else by comparing Bloggers for Merit with large, established groups like the Chamber of Commerce.

I like this plan.  I should call Sam Bennett and thank her for concocting the scheme to enrich herself and make it more and more difficult for us Dems to win that seat next year.  I'll also have to get the phone numbers of her friends so they can sit on my Board too.  After all charity begins at home.  Especially for bloggers, right?

Falwell Tribute to Commence

With the recent demise of bigoted preacher Jerry Falwell and his imminent internment the gay and lesbian community is now organizing an appropriate tribute to the great man.  Along with feminists and other minorities vicitmized by the Right (extremely right) Reverend, beginning this Friday we'll be sponsoring contests to see who can piss the most on the man's grave.  The winner each day gets a new toaster oven. 

Falwell is being buried in Lynchburg, Virginia at his Thomas Road Baptist Church tomorrow at 1 pm.  At 1:01 pm the ground at the church will no longer be hallowed after his body contaminates it with its presence.

Interestingly Fred Phelps and his band of crazies from Topeka, Kansas will be there to protest.  What, wasn't Falwell hateful enough for you bastards?  Seeing as the grave will already be bastardized by Phelps' attendance the constant visitations by feminists, gays and lesbians to memorialize the late preacher with their urine will be modest in comparison.  Is there no better way to remember Jerry Falwell than to piss on his grave?  While there you might also get the urge to dance a jig.  Far be it from me to stop you from doing whatever the spirit stimulates you to do.

Meanwhile Bill Maher did a segment on last week's show which is classic.  This may be the funniest thing Maher has ever done.  Warning, it isn't work safe (mostly because you'll literally split your sides laughing).

Neocons in PA

It's too bad we didn't build a wall around Pennsylvania like that border monstrosity they've proposed for Mexico.  Yesterday George W. Bush gave the commencement address at St. Vincent College and today Bill O'Reilly gives a speech in Reading for the Chamber of Commerce.   What do we have to do to safeguard our homes and communities from these people?  They come here and preach their hatred, take our money, increase crime (just look at the Bush Administration corruption), cost us tax money (every cut in federal grants increases your local taxes), then slink away in the dead of night.

Can't we simply enact some sort of state ordinance keeping these illegals out of Pennsylvania?

GonzalesGate: Alberto Practices

The Attorney General appears once again today before Congress.  He is, again, attempting to testify about a scandal which keeps getting worse with every passing day.  As we discover there were actually more than eight prosecutors fired I have stumbled upon an amazing scoop:  secret tapes of Alberto Gonzales practicing his testimony. 

Before you get all excited and yearn to skip a few lines of precious, expert writing, allow me to warn you it's....terminally dull.  Yes, there are no super duper revelations here, no momentous mea culpas, just....repeatedly, ad nauseum, line after line, word after word, of one repeated phrase.

I Don't Recall.

Yes folks, that's it.  I was able to put my grubby little fingers on 73 hours worth of secret tape recordings of the Attorney General of the United States being drilled by Scott Jennings to say one phrase over and over, and over, and over...   Well, you get my drift.  I enthusiastically recommend this listening for anyone who is sleep deprived.  In fact I have an idea to market this as an alternative remedy to sleeping pills.  I even came up with a clever slogan last night but now I just can't seem to recall what it was...

The Making of a Martyr

This is a serious issue.  It must be because CNN has it listed among it's top stories.  What is more important than the imprisonment of a celebrity?  Iraq?  The health care crisis?  Darfur?  Extreme weather?  Stem cell research?  How much money Spiderman 3 made this weekend?  No, it's the fact Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating her probation.  The silly judge didn't realize that celebrities the magnitude of Ms. Hilton aren't covered by the laws like mere mortals.

The 45 days are destined to make Paris Hilton a martyr.  She will be be martyred among other ultra rich @itches because she has been persecuted for violating the law of the land.  Yes, like she's some mere mortal, some "little people" person some stupid legal adjudicator thinks did something wrong.  Something like drive under the influence.  When isn't a party girl under the influence?  When do these judges expect them to drive?  Then they actually expect her to read her mail, respond to legal notices and obey the terms of their convictions?  Outrageous indeed!  People like Paris Hilton don't read their own mail! 

Come on, the only convictions people like Paris Hilton have are the ones which drive their celebrity.  They don't need more.  Let's cease demonizing them for such trivial offenses and stop making martyrs of their conduct.  How else are tabloid magazines to stay in business, sell so much advertising and keep the American economy from sinking into ruin?  Do you realize how much of our GNP is devoted to the worship of celebrities?  We simply cannot afford such judicial activism in our courts.

Priorities are priorities after all.  This is nothing more than the making of a martyr.

Atrios Isn't Fair

Duncan Black, aka Atrios, aka Eschaton, isn't being fair.  In a post the other day about Philly Car Share he said even if George Soros gave him a raise he still wouldn't buy a car.  This burns my butt.  Why should Atrios get all of Soros' money?  Why not spread a bit of it around to smaller bloggers?  These big guys with their wall to wall advertising, reader contributions and left wing trust funds writing them checks are being blasphemous.  They should be slaving away doing this for the love of artificial light, take out food and uncomfortable desk chairs, not to be on the payrolls of George Soros and Media Matters.  I mean, everyone on the right wing knows George Soros finances all the major lefty bloggers.

While it's good to see Atrios writing again since all the criticism he received about his "great blogroll Purge" and the attacks on his old writing style I think he should spread the wealth around to some other denizens of the blogosphere.  Those poor souls at the National Review Online for example, or the professionals slaving away for The Politico.  Oh wait, they all get paid anyway....

Oh, by the way, did I mention how the best new way to increase your traffic is slamming Atrios so he'd write a snappy retort on Eschaton and send you tons of new readers?  Besides, I have it on good authority (and goodness knows we have lots of new authority with Bush in office) that Atrios rides around Philly in a chauffered driven limo courtesy of Soros. 

Announcement

I have an announcement of sorts to make.  I've found Jesus.  Yes, after a lot of searching and being lost, I've finally found Jesus.  Don't worry as this won't affect the blog or my writing in any way.  It was the result of looking high and low for something important and finally discovering it in an unexpected place.

See I lost baby Jesus soon after Christmas.  I suppose my dog must have been playing with the small figure from the Christmas creche and it found it's way under the sofa.  Thank goodness for spring cleaning because I finally found him yesterday.  Oh, and April Fool's.

I'm Fried

I think I'm toast.  Fried, a goner.  My Sitemeter traffic was down for about a week and they finally got it working again and I have a week's worth of traffic to glance through (thankfully I use two separate systems).  This morning someone from the US Department of Justice was reading the blog, specifically my article calling on the Attorney General to resign.  They spent 18 minutes and 26 seconds reading....  I think I'm a goner.

If I suddenly disappear look for me at Guantanamo.  If Alberto gets Bush to declare me an enemy combatant under the MCA they'll lock me away forever.  Do I trust these guys not to do that?  Not on your life.  Notice I'm putting that on your life and not mine.  Whatever, mine's toast anyway.  Who do you think turned me in?  Google?  Who at the DoJ is spending taxpayer time doing Google searches about Gonzales anyway?  At 7:42 am?  I'll give them cedit for being early risers.  I'll remember that when they lock me up at Camp Xray.  Please send care packages, especially oatmeal raisin cookies.