The Pennsylvania Progressive

Peter Pace Pissed off A Pack of Pansies

Kirk wrote this and sent it to me to post.  Apparently his computer is incapable of doing anything but taxes until April 15th.

Peter Pace Pissed off a Pack of Prancing Pansies

A Pack of Prancing Pansies Peter Pace Pissed Off

If Peter Pace Pissed off a Pack of Prancing Pansies

Where's  the Prancing Pansies Peter Pace Pissed off?

Oh wait...they're in Iraq fighting an useless war for the Bigot in Chief.

2008: That Was the Year That Was

It's now January 2009 and as we look back at 2008 we see what an amazing year it was.  The news coverage of important issues dominated the airwaves.  Anna Nicole Smith was finally buried in the Bahamas, or what was left of her remains was.  The protracted legal battles over her monstrous tits assets continues though as 83 men claim to have fathered her baby thus far.

James Brown was also interred in July after his body began smelling so badly a judge ordered his common law spouse out of North Carolina or be accused of bigamy.  The issuance of an arrest warrant convinced her they meant business.  She is now a missing white woman.

The news also centered around a surge in police chases and the large number of category 5 hurricanes.  For some strange reason there was an escalation in these cases and they riveted all the cable news networks as if there were no other news happening.  Even OJ Simpson made a sequel to his infamous slow speed chase after being accused of being late returning a dvd rental.

We also watched several non incidents on the news where planes landed after minor in flight malfunctions.  Can we not forget the riveting drama played out in St. Louis when the flight carrying the Pittsburgh Steelers ran out of food and chaos ensued?  Thank goodness for all the telephones on board so the players were able to keep us up to date on the drama unfolding as flight stewards were grilled about the lack of steaks and lobster aboard the plane.

We also had all the year's sports news.  Barry Bonds was finally convicted of using steroids, two quarterbacks came out as gay, a basketball player declared his lasting fidelity to his wife and committed to taking her along for all out of town games to avoid the temptation of groupies, and hockey, well, was there a hockey season this year?  Does anyone care if there was?

The economy also held us captive watching our televisions.  Three families won huge Powerball jackpots and the country watched them embarrass themselves squandering the cash.  One of them began a reality show after receiving their check and illustrated for the world what conspicuous consumption is all about.  Ratings were especially high in Bangladesh.

And, oh, a few other minor stories happened, though the news didn't cover them.  Deaths in Iraq topped the 10,000 mark, Barack Obama was elected the first Black President, Hawaii was obliterated by volcano eruptions and a 9.1 earthquake destroyed much of California.  Global warming wiped out half of Louisiana and Florida and millions of refugees escaped to the midwest.

House UnAmerican Activities Committee

As Chair of the State House Judiciary Committee Rep. Thomas Caltagirone plans on convening an investigatory panel on UnAmerican Activities.  The House UnAmerican Activities Committee's goal is to uncover and expose Communists in Pennsylvania and their subversive activities undermining his traitorous actions.  I have received word I will be investigated.  John Paulding had better hightail it back to West Point pronto and protect the map he seized as evidence of wrongdoing before Tom's own Roy Cohn (John Ryan) demands he turn it over to the Committee.

If you, my friends and readers, are subpoenaed to testify please understand I had no idea my writing on these blogs would lead to such abuse of power.  When Rep. Caltagirone wields his gavel and asks if you've ever associated with known Communist John Morgan please do your best to smile for the cameras and do your best Edward R. Murrow imitation.   I anticipate a lot of questions on the order of "have you ever known or been involved with the Communist blogger known as The Pennsylvania Progressive?"  You'll be asked to reveal what other Communistic bloggers you've read and to provide lists to the Committee or risk being blackballed.

We must hold firm until the proceedings devolve into a parallel investigation of the Army Reserves and the mainstream media exposes their excesses.

True Confession

I have a confession to make.  I had an affair with Anna Nicole Smith's late son.  In fact we got married in Massachusetts.  Yep, I'm his sole heir.  I can prove it too if you give me time to Photoshop a few pictures.  By the way what was his name???

The cable news channels fixation with Anna Nicole all the time is driving me nuts.  Don't we have real news to cover, real issues to deal with?  No wonder nobody knows what John Howard looks like or that Australia isn't really North Korea or France.  They reported the content of her last will and testament today on a live feed.  It was breaking news on CNN and they even broke into normal news (you know, the non-celebrity kind) to give us the details.

It turns out that Dannielynn didn't get anything.  It may be Stern injected Mom and bro (my dear, dear, departed spouse) for nothing.  The will says no future children get anything and it goes to her son.  My late hubby.  My dear, dear departed hubby.  What was his name again???  No matter, I loved him like a brother.

So where do I go with this marriage license I just mocked up on my computer printer?  Will I have to wait in line with other gold diggers looking to cash in?   I suppose a shot at $474 million is worth a bit of creative lying and forgery isn't it?  Also some waiting in line with the riff raff.  Now if I could only remember the guy's name.  I suppose this is what I get for not keeping up on my celebrity news.  Shame on me.  How do you use Google?

The Commericalization Of Cupid

I have to tell you, I'm fed up with the commercialization of Valentine's Day.  All you see during February these days are red hearts, flowers, candy, and references to romance.  What happened to the sacred holiday celebrating the birth of the angel Cupid?  Isn't this the real reason for Valentine's Day?  Americans have adopted this secularism which eliminates the real reason we worship Cupid:  sex. 

Valentine's day is really all about sex.  Getting laid.  Let's admit this once and for all.  All the red roses, the mushy cards, the heart shaped boxes of candy, it's all designed to get you laid.  We've forgotten about the little angel.  Of course it might be easier if Cupid shot his arrows at everyone and not just straight people.  Have you ever seen a Valentine's commerical with two men or two women smitten by his hand?  Nope, it's a completely straight holiday.

A holiday the straight, secular society has perverted into a celebration of romance.  It's an escape from the mid winter blues by selling anything and everything sensual in an overly commercial fashion.  Meanwhile a poor, innocent little angel, charged with shooting his arrows and encouraging single people to fall in love, is forgotten.  How many of those outdoor Valentine's displays even has Cupid depicted?  Where are the creches with Momma Cupid holding the little dear?

Let's put an end to the commercializtion of this day.  Instead of being obsessed with how you're going to seduce your loved one tomorrow, instead of worrying about the perfect way to propose, take a moment to thank the little angel who made it all possible.  Cupid.  Then go get laid.

Frankly I'm shocked that Bill O'Reilly hasn't been all over this scandal.

Biden Interview

I managed to get an exclusive interview with former presidential aspirant Joe Biden of Delaware.  Here is our exchange:

TPP:  Good morning Senator and thank you for your time.  Before we begin I'd like to disclose that I did shower this morning and am clean.

JB:  That's nice John but not really necessary.  I really mean "fresh" when I say "clean."

TPP:  Is that so?  I'm not sure Mr. Obama and Mr. Sharpton saw it that way.

JB:  I've gotten lots of dirt thrown my way since that statement so I'm beginning to understand the difference between fresh and clean.

TPP:  How about the broader implications of your comments?  For instance, is your campaign for president dead in the water?

JB:  Not at all.  I intend to focus on the southern states now.

TPP:  Southern states like Delaware?

JB:  Well, you know Delaware was once a slave state, we had slaves in Sussex County.

TPP:  Yes, we know that from your recent speech in South Carolina bragging as much.  Was that held near Bob Jones University by any chance?

JB:  Everything in SC is near Bob Jones U. at least spiritually.  The folks there are very sympathetic to that philosphy.

TPP:  Maybe the white folks...

JB:  Now see here, I don't mean to demean the good Black folks who live there.  I simply meant to create some common ground and camaraderie with my comments.

TPP:  Yes, defending slavery always works well in South Carolina Senator.  Did you stop to think how those statements would play in Pennsylvania though?

JB:  I wasn't in Pennsylvania, I was in SC.

TPP:  But don't you need to win PA to win the presidency?

JB:  Not before I need to win South Carolina.  Their primary is quite early you know.

TPP:  So your comments were simply pandering to the white racist vote down south?

JB:  Of course.

TPP:  On to other issues then.  Your support for the MBNA bailout bill, other wise known as the Bankruptcy Act.  How will you defend that vote on the campaign trail?

JB:  It was corporate welfare for my constituents.  Everyone will understand that.

TPP:  What about the voters bankrupted by medical bills or their outsourced jobs?

JB:  If people wouldn't get sick they could pay their credit card bills.

TPP:  What about all those without health insurance?

JB:  Look, I have neighbors here in Montchanin without health insurance coverage and they do pretty well paying their hospital bills.

TPP:  But of course they can, they're all duPonts.

JB:  I'll admit that helps.

TPP:  On to mass transit.  You take the train to Washington every day.  Why can't I take a train places?  Wouldn't mass transit help with the problem of global warming?

JB:  Global warming is actually helping our economy here in Delaware.  DuPont's emissions encourage more tourists to visit Rehoboth Beach and that helps our leeches merchants selling taffy and t shirts.

TPP:  Are there any final comments you'd like to leave with our readers?

JB:  Yes, I love satire and this was a great satirical interview.

Art Buchwald R.I.P.

I'm classifying this article as satire in tribute to one of the great satirists and columnists of our time, the late, great Art Buchwald.  I grew up reading his columns and loved every one.  He had a gift.  He could see things his own way and relate that to others in ways that made you chuckle and understand at the same time.  He covered Washington, D.C. and somehow made it seem not quite so unseemly.  Of course we all know how unseemly D.C. is but Art Buchwald always saw the humor.  He used humor to poke fun and to ridicule the mighty and make his points.

He lived a rich life and he shared it vicariously with us, his fans, through his columns and books.   An everyman caught up in the Washington whirlwind, he provided a whimsical peek inside official Washington.  Buchwald didn't invent satire but he defined it for many decades with his writing.

He went out his own way, disdaining life extending kidney dialysis yet surviving almost another year without treatment.  He died on his own terms just the way he lived his life.  We'll miss you Art Buchwald.

Twelve Days of Abramoff

The Washington Post has an article about Jack Abramoff's 2001 Christmas list.  I thought I'd do a riff about it stealing from the "Twelve Days of Christmas."  2001 was the first Christmas the Bush Administration was in office.

On the first day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave to me

A twenty year sentence for corruption.

On the second day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave to me

Two FBI agents on my tail and a twenty year sentence for corruption.

On the third day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave to me

Three gift baskets from Harry and David, two FBI agents, and a twenty year sentence for corruption.

On the fourth day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave to me

Four Godiva chocolate boxes, three gift baskets, two FBI agents and a twenty year sentence for corruption.

On the fifth day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave to me five golden mansions, four Godiva boxes, three gift baskets, two FBI agents, and a twenty year sentence for corruption.

On the sixth day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave to me

Six Redskins tickets, five golden mansions, four Godiva boxes, three gift baskets, two FBI agents and a twenty year sentence for corruption.

On the seventh day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave me

Seven closeted gay Congressmen preying on pages, six Redskins tickets, five golden mansions, four Godiva boxes, three gift baskets, two FBI agents and a twenty year sentence for corruption.

On the eighth day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave to me

Eight K Street lobbyists, seven closeted gay Congressmen, six Redskins tickets, five golden mansions, four Godiva boxes, three gift baskets, two FBI agents and a twenty year sentence for corruption.

On the ninth day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave to me

Nine Jerry Seinfeld CD's, eight lobbyists, seven gay Congressmen, six Redskins tickets, five golden mansions, four Godiva boxes, three gift baskets, two FBI agents and a twenty year sentence for corruption.

On the tenth day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave to me

Ten Baccarat crystal bowls, nine Seinfeld CD's, eight lobbyists, seven gay Congressmen, six Redskins tickets, five golden mansions, four Godiva boxes, three gift baskets, two FBI agents and a twenty year sentence for corruption.

On the eleventh day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave to me

Eleven platinum Tiffany clocks, ten crystal bowls, nine Seinfeld CD's, eight lobbyists, seven gay Congressmen, six Redskins tickets, five golden mansions, four Godiva boxes, three gift baskets, two FBI agents and a twenty year sentence for corruption.

And on the twelfth day of Christmas Jack Abramoff gave to Democrats

Twelve new Congressional seats, eleven platinum Tiffany clocks, ten crystal bowls, nine Seinfeld CD's, eight lobbyists, seven gay Congressmen, six Redskins tickets, five golden mansions, four Godiva boxes, three gift baskets, two FBI agents and a twenty year sentence for corruption.

Town Gun Idea Backfires

The former town of Cherry Tree, Pa., once a thriving village of 400+ people back in 2006, 2007 is no more.  Now, in 2011 no one has survived thanks to an insane idea back in 2006 by Councilman Henry Statkowski, to force every home to have a gun.  Now the town's final living resident has been charged with the murder of the other remaining resident.

Statkowski's idea resulted in a twisted version of "Survivor" where the town's people wound up shooting each other over perceived slights, neighborhood disputes, road rage, and the panic which set in as a wild west mentality took over.  Those not now residing in the town's cemetery are in state prison. 

Slots Parlor Opens

The state's first slots parlor opened to empty seats yesterday as gambling opponents were proven wrong correct.  It turns out the God fearing publicants in places like Lancaster County who decried Acts 71 and 72 for bringing gambling to the Keystone State were correct:  Pennsylvanians don't want to be winners sullied by such low life forms.  The guardians of the public conscience warned the new legislation wouldn't work and was nothing but a sham to con voters into thinking they would actually be successful and able to decrease property taxes.   Now we know who was wrong right don't we?

Mohegan Sun casino opened in the Poconos yesterday and every seat was filled within ten minutes no one showed up.  Yep, all those buses continued to Atlantic City from locations all over Pennsylvania carrying loads of slots happy people prime for losing their money and getting some entertainment but they all instead headed to avoided the new casino.  All the doom and gloom perpetrated by the "I know better what's good for you" crowd was poppycock justified as row after row of empty seats greeted the management of the new casino.  Isn't it refreshing to see how moral the people of Pennsylvania are by their mass rejection of this immoral temptation?

Just in case you do want to visit Mohegan Sun (you know, to protest and such) here are directions.

(Photo from the Pittsburgh Post Gazette)